Lilo & Stitch's Star Trek version 2
Chapter 31: Asteroids, Wormholes and Holograms

“Er… 419… what are you doing?”

“Making calculations,” she muttered as she typed at a furious rate on one of the terminals.

426 stared at her.

“Making… er… can’t you just use a calculator like everyone else?”

“No, because a) I just do them in my head, and b) I need to access the holographic mainframe.”



“Because why?”

419 groaned.

“Because… well, you’ll see in a moment.”


“In a moment!”



Millions upon millions of little lights burst into the room. They drifted, spun and twirled, around and around… an interstellar dance, forming slowly a spiral…

“This is a model of the galaxy now, as estimated by the computer, based on the model… back in the… ‘present’.”

“Ooo, pretty…”


419 tapped a key.

They were now ‘flying’ through the giant stellar cloud… through the Orion Nebula, through the Hourglass, past 51 Pegasi, left of Wolf 359… a giant space station loomed, next to a even bigger planet, reddish brown in colour.

“This is Bajor. No, not that, the planet… orbiting it is Deep Space Nine.”

“And you’re showing me this because…”



“Look closer…”

426 strained. Nothing looked out of the ordinary; it was just a space station orbiting a planet with a funny red shape thingy in front of it…

“You mean… that red shape thingy… is us?”

“Uhuh… we exited the Bajoran wormhole ten minutes ago.”

“How do you know these things?”

“I, unlike you, watch the computer…”

“Well, it’s boring!”

“Oh, and I suppose you think death boring too?”

426 promptly shut up.



“You mean, we are getting caught in gravity-pull of asteroid…”


“…which is being one that we are saving blue marble planet from in Earth-year 2003…”


“…which essentially is sending us into Gamma Quad of Milky Galaxy…”


“…and slingshoting us through Bajoran wormhole?”

Yes, Jumba.”

“So, my little one-eyed one, you are sure we are only…”

“Yes, we are that close to Earth!”

By now Pleakly was almost crushing the spine of Galactic Federation Ships for Plorgarians with frustration.

“I see… so… you are having vectors?”

“I’ll give you vectors!” shouted Pleakly, throwing the book.

There are two types of actions: rational and irrational. A rational action, in this case, may be to put the book down and scream into a pillow. An irrational action may be to eat the book, or to throw the book at the nearest evil genius in the room. Screaming into a pillow is rational as screaming often helps irritated, annoyed or otherwise furious people calm down to the point where they can read The Magician’s Nephew without tearing it to shreds. However, throwing the book at the nearest evil genius in the room is irrational, because often that evil genius is much larger than you, and therefore can easily tie you into a figure-of-eight knot or half-hitch.

“Hey… be taking it easy!” replied Jumba, ducking the book, or rather, falling over his feet. “It was just being question…”

“I’m fed up with you pushing me around! Pleakley, do this! Pleakly, clean the laundry!”

“But you like cleaning laundry…”

“Not the point! You’ve treated me like your chew-toy for too long!”

“I am not treating you like doggie-squeaking-plastic amusement… I do not make you wash the dishes, cook dinner and blow my experiments up! Those are all things you are enjoying! And anyways, you are forgetting one thing…”

“Er… what’s that?”


Jumba stood up to full height (or width, depending on how you see it) and walked up to Pleakly.

“I am being much bigger than you…”




419 focused the hologram again. Star system after star system flew by… 419 counted each one off. Turo, Alpha and Proxima Centauri, Terran…

“This is the Earth.”

Centuries had not changed the face of the planet (though this was probably more due to the fact that the computer didn’t have an accurate enough texture model). 426, transfixed, started drooling.

“Er… may I ask you not to slobber on the hologram?” asked 419.

“Huh… er… oh, sorry…”



“No, not the… not the… toilet!”



“Did you hear something?”

426 shrugged.

“Sounded like the wail of the Northern Banshee come back from the dead!”

419 shook her head.

“Sounds like Pleakly…”

“Why would Pleakly be screaming?”

“Elementary, my dear 426… he’s afraid of everything.”

“Good point.”


She tapped another key.

The hologram adjusted itself once more. Across hundreds of light-years it zoomed, past stars, planets and asteroids, to the other side of the galaxy…

“This is the last known position of that… ship thingy,” said 419, as a cube-shaped ship appeared, speeding towards its unknown destination.

“Now, at the speed it’s going, and it’s current heading…”

The hologram zoomed out to show the great expanse between them and it.

“… it will reach Earth within the next 300 years, as shown by the arrow.”

“Well, problem solved!”

“It’s not that easy. See, about three light-years from its current position…”

What looked like a sinkhole appeared, complete with U-bend pipe.

“… there’s what’s known as a ‘trans-space conduit’ that exits hardly ten light-years from Earth!”

“And that’s bad?”

“Yes, that’s bad.”


“Why is that bad?”

419 groaned again.

Author's Comment

Orbiting it is Deep Space Nine: I'm straining to remember how I justified to myself how Jumba's computer knew about Deep Space Nine - I think I'd had it that Jumba's race had their ninth deep space outpost there and it just happened to be the same position. Or something. Right now I'll retcon it to 'Jumba's computers detected Deep Space Nine using its awesomesause scanners and added it to its database.' And the whole 'the computer knows where Deep Space Nine is' thing will most likely not be in version 3.

Speaking of things that won't be in version 3...

I'll show you vectors! Really, this fight was kind of silly, but then again, so was my sense of humor when I wrote this. I'll be the first to admit that it's out of character for Pleakley to RAAAAAAAGE over this kind of thing, and I really just wanted Pleakley to blow up hilariously and find his head in a toilet (although I might have been inspired in that last respect by someone else...)

There are two types of actions: What? Me read A Series of Unfortunate Events? Whatever gave you that strange idea?

Yes, I'm a great fan of the series, and of the Lemony Narrator concept in general, so on occasion I did slip into Lemony Mode in my fics - personally, I think it's a nice touch when used in sparse moderation in a story (enough to establish it as not some random thing, not enough to make your readers sick of it).

(And completely awesome if you can manage and pull off an entire series of novels in Lemony Mode, but that's not really me, so I leave that to the experts. :D)

As an aside, I believe I'd only just discovered the series (to be precise, The Ersatz Elevator) only a month or two before this chapter, which is (probably - I can't really remember) why I decided to do a homage here. Looking back, I think it really made the scene a lot less... well, bad, at least, not as bad as it would have been with just my silly humor. So thanks, Lemony Snicket, for widening my pallete!

(Also, ersatz is a frickin' awesome word.)

Methinks that there's a couple too many shifts of focus: Prominence Flare (in their FF.Net review of this chapter) was the first (but not the last) person to notice that my chapters tended to switch between viewpoints a lot, as I've mentioned before. It's something I couldn't really see at the time, and I kind of wish I had more people calling me on it, but then again maybe I would've been just as confused. And on the other hand, I grew out of it naturally as I wrote longer and longer scenes and chapters, so maybe it was a phase I had to go through to improve or something.


Original author's comment:

For Christmas this year, I present to ye a new chapter... Mele Kalikimaka!

Original comments

Kioko the pirate on 26 December 2005 @ 1:47 a.m.:

This was a very enjoyable chapter... it was actually rather funny. Well... not much else to say. So Merry Christmas and I'll see you later.

HeMeleNoLiloLover on 27 December 2005 @ 2:15 p.m.:

Let me guess. Jumba stuffed Pleakley's head in the toilet? heh heh heh

Funny! (grin)

Prominence Flare on 27 December 2005 @ 5:45 p.m.:

I'm...slightly lost here. It's a good story and all, but methinks that there's a couple too many shifts of focus. But that may be nessecary, and I'm not seeing the full story thing I want to know I what happened to Lilo. Is she a Borg now or what?

Copyright © 2013 Mark Kéy-Balchin.