Lilo & Stitch's Star Trek version 2
Chapter 33: Joyriding and Intructions

“ARE YOU CRAZY?” Pleakley half-shouted.

“Like a Beltarian fitozx!”




Having finally reached the comm. mic., and hanging on for dear life, 419 dialled in the bridge.

“What on Turo is happing?”

To her disdain, Pleakley answered.

“The little monsters hijacked the ship!”

Typical boy behaviour.

“Who are you?”

“Er… 419! Jumba’s experiments, 400 series, failed, long story… what happened to the inertia dampeners? Why are they not on?”

“I don’t know, Jumba usually turns them on!”

“You don’t KNOW?”

“Look, I’m an Terrantologist, not an engineer!”

419 groaned.

“Anyway, he always turns them off when unneeded!”

“What about Jumba?”


“What about JUMBA?” 419 almost shouted.

“Oh… He fainted… or something… his weight’s threatening the support beams!”

“Not funny!”

“D’ya think I’m laughing?”

“Where are they going?”

“426 said something about a trans-space conduit…”

“Oh no…”



A hand reached for his comm. It then dialled.

“I’m sorry, the number you are trying to reach is no longer available. Please check your number and try again later.”


He pounded his dashboard.

OK… calm down…

“Operator, connect me to the Grand Councilwoman.”


“This is…”

“You? I thought we agreed that I was to contact you…”

“But this is an emergency. The safety of the free galaxy, so to speak, may be at risk.”



“I want a word with my younger brother.”

“Which one?”

But someone obviously knew, for 419 heard some rustling, a little scurrying, then…

“By two weeks!” 426 retorted.

“It’s enough… now, tell me, have you lodged one too many coconuts with your head?”


“Hijacking the ship, without backup, low torps, minimal inertia dampeners, and what’s more, you’re going to face off a cybernetic race that will, to use layman’s terms, flatten you utterly and totally, not to mention destroy you, and then absorb whatever’s left of you, and you have no idea what I’m talking about?”

“Absolutely none.”

“426, this is not the time for sarcastic remarks!”

“If not, then what time is it?”

419 refrained herself from giving him a piece of her mind.

“It’s time you tell me what on blitxnak you think you’re doing!

“Really? Mine says 2:13…”


“OK, OK… um… rescuing Little Girl?”

“No wonder 626 seems so happy,” 419 said in an undertone. “So… any idea how ya going to do that?”

“Absolutely none,” he repeated. “Isn’t it wonderful?”

“Oy, the things I put up with,” 419 muttered.

Hanging up the comm., she decided to make the most of her time by…

Her eyes rested on the schemata. Yes, studying the blueprints would help her take her mind off their impending doom.

She was halfway across the room when the ship suddenly stopped, flinging her face first into the door.

Some days you just couldn’t win.

Rubbing her head, she looked out the window/porthole/screensaver. Another nebula. Sigh.



There were lights… a stage… the president of E.G.O.… pressing a button… falling into darkness…


Jumba sat up. Pleakley was staring at him with a look of trepidation. 426 gave him this really freaky look that told him just how cuckoo he thought he was. 626 looked as if he was caught between pity and hilarity.

He looked himself over. He was lying in a crumpled heap between the corridor door and bathroom door.

“What are you staring at?”

“Well, you w…”

Pleakley shoved 426’s hand in his mouth.

“You looked terrible… like what you did every night that week, when you had that chicken pox flu thingy…”

426 coughed something that sounded suspiciously like ‘Kila wa nai’[1].

“Oh… well, Qwetians get extremely seaing-sick when inertia dampeners are not being properly adjusted!

426 swallowed. 626 shrugged. Jumba looked directly at them.

“I will be having word with you two later. Where is being 419?”

“She’s where she was before…”

Jumba scratched his chin.

“And where are being we?”




426 looked around. Jumba was still watching him.

“Um… yeah… about that… funny thing, heheh… you’ve got to laugh…”

“I am not being in laughing mood.”

426 scratched his right leg with his left foot.

“Uhuh… you see… we’re in… er… the bridge!”

Jumba’s stare intensified.

“OK, OK, we’re in a nebula about three light-years from the space station.”

“I see…”

“Ahem,” coughed a small squeaky voice.

426 looked over his shoulder. Pleakley was looking rather impatient.

“I believe some introductions are in order?”

Jumba turned around.

“Oh, him? This is being 426, one of my failed experiments.”

Yeah, ya always have to point that out, don’t ya! thought 426.

“You mean he doesn’t do anything?”

“Heh, just like 625.”

“Y’know I’m right here, don’t ya?”

Jumba smirked.

“Oh, yes, we know, we are just pretending you are not.”

426 growled.



[1] ^ Japanese, literally, ‘There is no Kila’. [See the commentary for details.]


Author's Comment

If I had a time machine, there are four things I'd tell myself not to write in this story.

The fourth, on a scale of "bad" to "urgh", is Hamsterviel's subplot in the early chapters. The third is Keoni's chapter (you know the one). The second is (in upcoming chapters) Nani's appearence and subsequent disappearence on the ship thanks to a toaster.

The first?

Kila wa nai: Obviously, the most important question would be "What does it even mean?" Which I've now added to the footnotes of the chapter, but in case you lack the physical strength to rotate your mouse wheel up a bunch of ticks (or to make it more convienient, if you prefer), I'll repeat it here.

"Kila wa nai" means "There is no Kila."

Who was Kila? Kila was an original character in the Lilo & Stitch stories of fanfiction author Alohilani (then HeMeleNoLiloLover), particularily He Ohana no Kila. (Don't bother looking for them, they've long since been taken down by the author).

Why would I write such a thing? Okay, this is going to take some explaining, so bear with me:

Originally, I planned that 426 would be a character who knows about the fourth wall, who knows that he's fictional, and so on. And, well, in his spare time, he reads fanfiction. (Yes, seriously.) Suffice to say, I eventually got my wits about me and retconned that aspect of the character away, so now he's a normal character who might only lean on the fourth wall every now any then. Anyway...

You'll notice that HeMeleNoLiloLover, in her review, wrote '"Chicken pox flu thingy?" Is that a reference to my fic? :O' The truth is, and I wrote her as much in a PM, that no, it wasn't.

Well, at least, it wasn't initially. You see, I'd noticed the similarity as well (to another of her fics, The Bad Guy) when I'd gone back to edit what I'd written. And so I decided to add that line, where 426 was essentially reminding the 'actors' that Kila didn't exist in that universe, so they shouldn't be taking 'inspiration' from her timeline.

So, why didn't I mention any of this? You see, I had this gag planned after everyone was safe and happy where 419 would notice what 426 had said while watching security tapes, and (being firmly unaware of the fourth wall) she would berate him on his lack of appreciation for Hawai'ian legend (specifically, the legend of of Kila-pa-Wahineikamalanai, son of Mo'ikeha). In my mind at the time, describing the former would consitute as spoilers for the latter. And anyway, the fic was being written smoothly, so of course the moment when this gag would happen would come and go in no time at all, and everyone'd be laughing when it happened, right?

(For those people reading this now or sometime in the future and don't get how horribly misinformed I was about how smoothly I'd be submitting chapters in the future, consider that I published this chapter in April 2006, and then consider that I'm writing this commentary at the beginning of October 2011 and I still haven't gotten up to the point where I'd write the gag in.)

What's worse is that I pointed the phrase out in the author's notes without pointing out why. I remember going back and forth over no disclamer of foreign language, only mentioning the Japanese part, and the 'full' disclaimer you see below (where 'full' means 'not giving the meaning', of course), and eventually I decided that the readers might be confused by it without the full version. (As if they weren't anyway?)

Now, this chapter coincided with an event that will be very noticable in the following chapters: everyone who was a regular reviewer stopped reviewing my fic. And when I say everyone, I mean everyone.

At the time, and for a few years after I was confused as heck, and a few crazy theories floated through my mind (Maybe they'd gone on vacation or stopped visiting FanFiction.Net? Maybe alerts weren't working properly? Maybe I was actually writing complete gibberish and it was my mind that was contorting it into legible words? Maybe I wasn't even posting it at all and my mind was faking that it was as a coping mechanism?) but as they kept updating their stuff and commenting on other people's stuff (and since I was still recieving alerts for the story), I came to the conclusion that the first two options were unlikely, and the second two were probably not true either (since you'd think my mind'd have the sense to make up reviews as well :D). And eventually, years after I'd written the chapter, I finally linked 'everyone stopped reviewing' to Chapter 33, and subsequently, 'Kila wa nai'.

Now, I don't know if this is the reason why people stopped reviewing (and I probably never will, since they never told me), but it seems the most likely, and quite frankly, with hindsight, I'm not surprised. It wasn't clear at all what I meant, even if you did know what the translation was (it could have been a dig or insult at Alohilani or something.)

I want to put the record straight: In no way was 'Kila wa nai' meant to be insulting or degrading to Alohilani or her fics - in fact, back then I considered them to be great stories, and even now looking back at them I think they still hold up (no matter what she may think on the matter.) They were also better than the stuff I was writing at the time, even if the humor was a little quirky.

Instead, it was meant to be a fun little shout-out and a setup for a gag that I'd thought wouldn't be far in the future. I was wrong, and foolish, and paid for it. So let that be a lesson, my young fanfic writers!

One last thing: I'd love if any of my old regular reviewers (Ri2, Xoverguy, largefish8, Kioko the Pirate, but especially Alohilani) could contact me (preferably by email) and share their side of the story so I can fill in the gaps, reconcile any misunderstandings, and maybe get some closure here. Thanks.


Original author's comment:

Yay, another chapter! I’ve put a little Japanese in this chapter, which is denoted by #. (Please note that the first word in the sentence is Hawaiian, not Japanese; this is for emphasis, ‘cause for borrowed words in Japanese, since there is no l, it is usually replaced with r.) So... read and review!

Original comments

Kioko the pirate on 9 April 2006 @ 7:36 a.m.:

This was a good chapter. Keep it up and update soon.

HeMeleNoLiloLover on 9 April 2006 @ 2:02 p.m.:

"Chicken pox flu thingy?" Is that a reference to my fic? :O
And what does 'kila wa nai' mean?

Copyright © 2013 Mark Kéy-Balchin.